Perfectionism

NEWSLETTER Volume 4, Number 1, January 2007

Sometimes an idea crops up in your life, and then it insists on being heard knocking at you with the equivalent force of being hit over the head with the proverbial 2X4! That’s what has been happening to me the past month and the idea that must be heard has to do with perfection (and her sister perfectionism). It seemed like an important topic to share with other horsewomen and a concept worth examining as we make resolutions and plans for the new year.

It started when a good friend gave me a copy of Mark Rashid’s wonderful book, Horses Never Lie, with the comment that I would know why she was giving it to me when I read it. Hmmm? There are many reasons why I enjoyed reading Horses Never Lie and Mark introduces several ideas that I keep coming back to in my mind, and in my daily dealings with my horses, but the one that had real resonance this month was perfection. In particular, the final chapter of Rashid’s book tells the story of a woman named Jo and her horse Treasure. I won’t go into the story in detail (Mark Rashid does a much better job of that, and it is worth reading in the original), but basically what he had on his hands with this pair was an accomplished woman (in her career and, on the surface, in her horsemanship) who had learned lots of techniques to get her horse to “do things,” and a mare who wanted so very badly to do them right that she could no longer relax. In other words, two perfectionists struggling to satisfy each other. The inevitable result was that both were setting each other up to fail. Mark Rashid describes how his plan for Jo and Treasure at the clinic consisted of “little more than getting Jo to lighten up a bit, physically and mentally.”

Then, I rather randomly started re-watching some of the DVDs from the Parelli Level 2 packet and happened to get into a session where Linda Parelli was playing with her young horse, Allure. I can’t remember the specifics of what she was working on now, but what keeps coming back to me is that she kept saying, “it doesn’t have to be perfect, we’re just looking for him to try” and variations on that theme. I know I’ve heard the Parellis say this many, many times, but this month I heard it with renewed interest. I also heard, with renewed ears: Horses are very forgiving, you don’t have to be perfect...

Next, I opened the Sunday newspaper and found a feature article, “Dispatches from the War on Perfect” a commentary about anti-lifestyle guru Dan Ho. Now, I’m going to reserve my comments on how one can be an anti-lifestyle guru, but the gist of the article was interesting. We don’t have to throw perfect dinner parties on perfectly matching china with perfectly presented food, we can give ourselves permission to be messy and to be less than perfect, and maybe people will still have a good time and be willing to visit us again anyway. Ho reminds us, that it’s not how things look that really matters; it’s what’s inside. I think the same message can go for our horses and our relationship with our horses. This isn’t to say that there is anything wrong with grooming our horses so they shine and getting them looking their best for a show or a clinic, but if we miss a bit of mud or the mane is a bit messy, that’s okay too. Likewise, if our horse doesn’t behave perfectly at an event, it isn’t a tragedy we just need to pause and try to look at the situation from the horse’s point of view.

Finally, I opened up my e-mail to read the Daily Insight from Yoga Journal, and there was a reprise of an article by Sally Kempton, “Making Peace With Perfection,” which opens with this observation: “Our culture's obsession with excellence keeps us toiling under the tyranny of perfectionism. Yet perfection itself is not the tyrant—it's our notions about it that rule us.” It was about that point when I really began to feel that 2X4 knocking on my brain. Okay, okay, I’m listening!

Kempton’s article put the other hints(?) into context. As Kempton reminds her readers, the everyday meaning of perfection is flawless: “In this particular view, perfection is a human achievement or... a genetic gift. We live in a society in which every billboard, magazine, and TV show insists that we can and should pay the price to achieve perfection... When we can't make things perfect, then there must be something wrong with us or the world...The irony is that our ideal of perfection—which arises from the ego's need to explain and control—inevitably keeps us from the experience of perfection” she writes. Kempton’s point of contrast is with the yogic perspective on perfection in which perfection or purna, to use the Sanskrit word, is “usually translated as fullness or wholeness.” Kempton continues: “Indian yogic texts tell us that everything in this world arises from and is contained inside one single energy, or shakti. This energy is always full, intrinsically complete, perfect, and joyful. What's more, it is present in all forms, thoughts, and states of being... When we are in touch with that energy, all dichotomies are resolved, and all apparent imperfections are revealed as part of the whole.”

Perfection isn’t bad, Kempton reminds us, we need to have goals, we need to practice in order to improve, we need to have standards, but we also need to give ourselves permission not to be perfect too, and I think we need to give our horses the same permission. Perfectionists, she notes, comes in different forms. Some people have to do something over and over until they think it is right (and of course it never is), others are so paralyzed by fear of failure (i.e. not being perfect) that they never even start. Neither choice is good for our relationship with our horses. They don’t need to be drilled to the point of tedium, but we do need to engage with them. This is why perfectionism can be such a challenging issue in horsemanship - and you’ve probably met several kinds of perfectionists in your horse careers. Moreover, horses have an uncanny way of revealing our imperfections. If we can learn to accept them in ourselves and consequently in our horses, to see them as part of our whole, then the irony is that we have, in a way, reached a state of perfection. “So remember, the first line of defense against perfectionism is to learn how to give yourself permission to be who you are and where you are.” writes Kempton, and the same applies for our horses.

All of which brings me back to Horses Never Lie. Mark Rashid started his book by talking about horsemanship as a journey with no destination, it is all about the “as you go” and not about the “getting there,” he writes. In a way this sounds to me a lot like the Yogic notion of purna. “Perfectionism [in the traditional mode] is a product of the grasping mind, the same part of us that compulsively looks for more of everything and also imagines that what we need is somewhere else. The best remedy for seeking is to consent to being where you are and to practice embracing your present experience just as it is,” writes Sally Kempton. Sound advice for building a relationship with our horse built on mutual trust and respect. Remember, it’s an endless journey.

Anna Banks, Editor womentalkhorses.com

Anna Banks, Editor womentalkhorses.com
editor@womentalkhorses.com
Moon Hill Ranch, Idaho